Hey there, little guy

You awake to the sound of scratching at your front door. Curious, you head downstairs and cautiously open the door. Sitting on your welcome mat is a strange animal. It's not quite a possum, yet not quite a goat. The creature glares up at you with vacant eyes. [["Hey there, little guy"]]

The odd little thing starts to piss. It keeps pissing and pissing until your porch is soaked. Somehow, you understand what it wants. [[Examine the animal]] [[Shoo it away]] [[Ask it a question]] [[Clean piss]]

You yell, shout, stomp, and flail, but the creature only stares. You have to double check to make sure it's still breathing. [[Ask it a question]] [[Clean piss]] [[Examine the animal]]

It tilts its head. The creature is listening. What will you ask? [[Who are you?]] [[Why are you here?]] [[What is your name?]] [[What music do you like?]] [[Will you marry me?]] [[Go back->"Hey there, little guy"]]

You attempt to clean the piss, but it is guarded by sentient mold. [[Reach in anyways]] [[Call an exterminator]] [[Burn the mold]] [[Attempt stealth]] [[Give up->"Hey there, little guy"]]

You cannot grasp the creature's true form, so you assume it's just a weird dog. [[Shoo it away]] [[Ask it a question]] [[Clean piss]]

It's best you didn't ask. Don't dig too deep or you might regret it. [[Ask another question->Ask it a question]]

It is lapping up its own piss. [[It really loves that piss]]. What the hell is this thing?

You sense it does not have a name. What will you name the creature? [[Reginald]] [[Dick]] [[Archie]] [[Mac]] [[Shoggoth]] [[Ferdinand]] [[Ask another question->Ask it a question]]

"Oh, I'm glad you asked!" The creature grins from ear to ear. "Personally, I very much enjoy The Smiths." The creature holds up a copy of their hit album "Meat is Murder". You don't remember seeing it holding this previously. [["I love The Smiths!"]] [["Piss off, rodent."]]

The creature sways its hips seductively, yet you sense it is already taken. [["Sure, why the hell not?"]] [["I have morals, y'know!"->Ask it a question]]

You feel a tingling sensation in your gut. This name is too proper. [[Pick another name->What is your name?]]

You feel a sharp pain in your, well, you know. This name is unfitting of a creature so noble. [[Pick another name->What is your name?]]

You feel a migraine coming on. This name bores it. [[Pick another name->What is your name?]]

A sense of dread washes over you. This name bears a heavy burden. Continue? [[Yes]] [[No->What is your name?]]

You feel nothing. You are numb. [[This isn't a Lovecraft novel!->What is your name?]]

What the fuck kind of name is Ferdinand??? [[No one knows->What is your name?]]

Mac is a goddamn freeloader. All he does is sleep on the couch and eat your sunchips. What an asshole. You'd kick him out, but the contract has been sealed. Never. Disobey. The contract. [[The cycle continues->Start]]

You wake up on your couch, drenched in sweat. Six hours have passed. Funny, you don't seem to remember owning a record player... [[The cycle continues->Start]]

It hisses and turns to give you the cold shoulder. You'd better change the subject. [[Ask another question->Ask it a question]]

This page has been left intentionally blank [[Never speak to me again->Ask it a question]]

You are now an adulterer and married to an animal. Nice job, shitlips. [[I never asked for this]]

Too fucking bad. The deed has been done. [[The cycle continues->Start]]

The mold begins to [[assimilate your hand]].

Don't be stupid! You can't afford one of those. [[Drats!->Clean piss]]

You have not yet discovered fire. This concept is foreign to you. [[The darkness consumes you->Clean piss]]

Your sneaking level is just high enough to avoid the mold. The piss is gone for now, but more is soon to follow. [[Shoo it away]] [[Ask it a question]] [[Examine the animal]]

It's too late for your hand. [[An amputation is required]].

You bleed out on your porch. This is all your fault! [[The cycle continues->Start]]